To My Husband, Let’s Make The Most Of Every Phase

I tend to read and comment on other blogs as Harmony, but recently came across a thought-provoking post in my personal life.  My friends have been sharing and discussing a viral blog post titled “To My Husband In This Weird Phase Of Life,” with remarks of how perfectly it illustrates their current struggles and sentiments.  In reading the post for myself, I was overcome, not by emotion, but with confusion and pity.  Is no one paying attention to the fact that the author sits in silence with her husband, because it’s too exhausting to talk to each other?  She recounts fighting over small things like changing a dirty diaper and how they play games on their phones instead of having conversations.  Are readers distracted from the flaws in this relationship by the tear-jerker soliloquy about our little ones growing up to be adults?  Or, is this type of existence more commonplace than I might hope?

The post is well written and most readers are likely drawn to the author’s vision of a supportive spouse in the future and commiserate with the parenting struggles.  I do look forward to Mr. Smith holding my hand as we watch our children recite vows at an alter.  It’s heartwarming to imagine us playing with grandchildren together.  And as a working mom to three, our days also are busy and demanding.  My concern is with the ultimate message conveyed by the post,

“So if this means we sit in awkward silence while we wait for this phase of life to be over, that’s fine. I’ll just sit close to you so that you know I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” 

The author anticipates a future when she and her husband can reminisce on a life they have built together.  However, she seems to be focused on merely surviving this current portion of their limited time on earth.  Are you actively constructing anything by waiting around for a better future?  No, you’re just living an automated existence controlled by generally-accepted goals.  I believe that limiting yourself to the standard roadmap of life causes discontentment.  In merely checking off the boxes (job, marriage, house, kids, pay bills, retire), you concentrate your efforts on satisfying each requirement, doing the bare minimum.  During the interim between these accomplishments, you daydream of the freedom and happiness presumably enjoyed by everyone else.   

I don’t want this to seem like a personal attack on Katie.  She seems devoted to her family, but plagued by the ubiquitous stressors of too many bills and too little time.  My concern is that she, and others, believe that their only option is to subsist in a “waiting room” of marriage and life.  In doing so, they are bound to experience regret from wasting years of their life idly waiting for things to get better.  The morbid truth is that death could come for any one of us today.  There is no guarantee that we will be able to enjoy old age with our loved ones.  It’s important to recognize that we all have the ability to build something better for ourselves, not just for the future, but for the present as well.  However, no one else is going to magically appear and solve your problems.  You need to put in the effort to set unique goals and change your life. 

kissTo my husband, you are a matching soul who perfects my life.  You are a playful best friend, wonderful father, engaging confidant, and passionate partner.  You are my teammate.  The goals we have made for our life inspire and drive me to make the most of every day.  It would be awkward to sit quietly beside you because there is so much to discuss.  Like the other night, when we sat under the stars and admired the Perseid meteor shower.  It was my first full week back to work after maternity leave.  We were both tired and had long days ahead of us, but we didn’t go to sleep.  Instead we stayed out for hours, talking the entire time, from memories to our plans for the coming weekend and decades in the future.  At one point, I commented that this was something new, we’d never before watched a meteor shower together.  To my husband, let’s build a lifetime of experiences together, while working towards achieving all of our dreams.

 

My hope is that with each sunset, we continue to feel a sense of accomplishment from our efforts and excitement for all that lies ahead.  And each night I will thank God for the blessing that is this journey with you, holding my hand, every step of the way.

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12 Replies to “To My Husband, Let’s Make The Most Of Every Phase”

  1. Maggie

    Kids can definitely throw a wrinkle into the marriage, but I agree it isn’t something that needs to be survived. Our kids are a hot mess of everything all the time, but it’s hilarious, and my husband and I are in it together. And at the end of the day, we can laugh a whole lot more!
    Maggie recently posted…Top 5 Life Regrets of the DyingMy Profile

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    1. Harmony Post author

      Sometimes laughing is all we can do with the antics of our crazy kids.
      I could have added in the old adage, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” – don’t just wait around for them to turn into apples.

      Reply
    1. Harmony Post author

      I’m sorry to hear about your struggles, but you deserve a lot credit for making an effort to change your present instead of just hoping for a better future.

      Reply
  2. Rebekah

    I love that I can just sit next to my husband, each of us doing our own thing, perfectly content just to be near each other, especially when we’ve had a particularly trying day. But we can’t allow that to be the only time we spend with one another, or one day we’ll look up and realize we don’t know the person sitting beside us. I’m so thankful my husband understands that we were best friends before the children and that we need to nurture our friendship in order to still have it once our children are grown. So while some nights we may sit next to each other while doing our own things, or snuggle close while watching a movie, we do still make the time to talk together, to dream together, to laugh and plan and just share life. Because I want to still know my best friend when the children fly away and we’re left alone in our little nest.
    Rebekah recently posted…Cookies at Chick-fil-AMy Profile

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    1. Harmony Post author

      Perfectly summarized – I too want to still know my best friend when we’re alone in our little nest. But just like everything else, it takes some effort to maintain the things that matter to us.

      Reply
  3. DC @ Young Adult Money

    I feel for this couple, and honestly I’m scared to have kids because of hearing stories like this. I know how much kids could impact a marriage. I already feel like I don’t have enough time for me, let alone my wife, and I already sleep a lot less than I would like. Imagine throwing kids in the mix! I hope they are able to find some more capacity as the kids get a bit older and hopefully finances become a bit easier.
    DC @ Young Adult Money recently posted…10 Steps for Financial Success In Your 20sMy Profile

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    1. Harmony Post author

      Don’t be scared of having kids. My husband and I have a better appreciation for our time together these days. While we reminisce about sleeping in, our lives have really been enriched by the shared responsibilities and joys that come with children. Even more impressive is the fact that the two of us made these human beings together, our greatest accomplishments.

      Reply
    1. Harmony Post author

      The kids are the loudest and most insistent when it comes to needing attention. I try to remind myself to always give my husband attention too, even though he’s not pulling on my shirt saying “Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy . . . “

      Reply
  4. Our Next Life

    What a lovely letter to YOUR husband. 🙂 Totally agree that life is not something to “survive,” but rather something to relish. Of course we all go through weird stages, and sometimes you really just have to do your best to survive every day. Caring for a dying loved one comes to mind. But that certainly doesn’t apply to a marriage of two healthy partners! That post made me sad, too. It sounded so powerless and resigned, and selfishly needy. Yours is a wonderful counterpoint to that!
    Our Next Life recently posted…Our DIY Life // How We Save (and Sometimes Splurge) By Doing It OurselvesMy Profile

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    1. Harmony Post author

      It’s encouraging to read comments here and over on her post about those who refuse to give in and just wait for stressful times to be over. Our lives are too short to waste any portion in such a voluntary state of purgatory.

      Reply

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