My father passed away last month. He had been in the hospital since the beginning of December, after suffering a head injury, due to a fall. The rollercoaster ride of the past few months have challenged me beyond anything that I’ve faced before in my life. In my continuing attempts to recover from this trauma, these are some reflections and lessons expressed for my own sake and which hopefully may help someone else.
Death
My father was in his eighties. Old age was starting to take a toll on him, but the fall and head injury took Dad away from us much more suddenly that anyone had expected. He was in the hospital for several weeks, fighting and trying to come back from brain surgery. We fought for him too, my sister, brother, and I. At the time, it seemed like endless questions and best guesses about our father’s wishes. In retrospect, however, it seems like death was an inevitable force. In a matter of days, his status changed from recovering from surgery, to comfort care, and then he was gone before they even moved him into the hospice room.
I am fortunate to have never faced such a loss before in my life. There are so many emotions that have accompanied this horrible new experience. In the first week after his death, we were busy making arrangements, picking out a casket, visiting cemeteries, etc. The worst sadness seemed to come after everything had been done and Dad was just, gone.
We have all heard of the different stages of grief. For me, it seems like very unpredictable highs and lows. One moment, I’m finding inspiration in the fact that his blood flows in my veins and that I can carry my Dad with me in all of our upcoming adventures. Another moment, the world feels like a very cold and unloving place without him.
Money
I had never planned a funeral before and my father did not leave many instructions. There were so many odd and difficult decisions, about things that you never want to think about (ex. embalming). It was beyond overwhelming to go over expenses with a funeral director. However, I found some strength in falling back on financial skills developed over the past few years.
Most of the funeral costs seemed to be in one of the following two categories: non-negotiable necessities, or spending for convenience versus shopping around for alternatives. Funeral homes are a business, just like anything else. They are making money, while family members try to compose themselves for long enough to get through the planning process.
It would have been so much easier to just say sure, whatever we’re supposed to do, just send us a bill. Instead, I made sure to ask the really important and fundamental question of: “Do we have any other options?” That question is the key way to save money on a funeral.
One perfect example was the casket. The funeral director showed us a booklet of about ten to fifteen choices. We asked if we could order one and have it delivered. Of course, the answer was yes. We ended up saving over $1,000 on a very similar model (so many more options online) by purchasing one from a reputable website and it arrived on time with no issues.
Another option was prayer cards. The itemized invoice automatically included 100 cards to be printed up for $100. I am absolutely positive that we could have saved a considerable amount of money by trying to order them somewhere else or printing them up ourselves. However, I already found myself struggling to figure out everything else. So, once again, we asked about other options. The funeral home charged us $50 to print up 50 prayer cards and we have more than enough.
Generally speaking, it is helpful to not have to worry about money when you’re struggling with grief. There is value in the ability to delegate things to others and in having the freedom to choose how to celebrate the life of someone. However, if you can find some semblance of objectivity, remember that there are usually many different options.
God
There were a few surprising, and devasting, revelations that came to light after my father’s funeral and complicated my grieving process. As a result, I found myself struggling to emerge from one of the darkest places visited in my life. It was an overwhelming feeling of despair that seemed to center around fear of being unable to handle any additional tragedy or loss, and uncertainty that there would be happiness in our future. Attending church was one thing that helped me move forward.
I believe that, although the same Sermon is delivered to everyone in attendance at church, we all focus on the parts of the message that we need to hear at the moment.
Quoting scripture is not a strength of mine, so forgive me for not having references. The first message that really struck me was about leaving our worries about the things out of our control, at the feet of God. I have to let go of the upsetting things that happened after Dad’s death. There is absolutely nothing to be done about them. I have to trust in God’s plans and that there will be answers, someday.
The second message that stayed with me, was told with a football analogy. You have to keep faithfully running your route, and when you arrive at the right spot, then God will throw you the ball. I know, I know, this doesn’t sound very biblical at all. But the lesson has helped me. I have to keep running my route.
I have allowed myself time to grieve my father, as well as the other hurtful losses suffered after his death. Now, though, it is time to refocus on my husband, our children, and our dreams. We are so very, very close to reaping the reward of our diligence and determination over the past few years. We have amazing, wonderful things ahead of us . . . we just have to keep running a little bit farther.
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